Should we leave the past where it belongs?
May 17, 2023
Nowadays, we often come across the advice of "living in the present moment" and "leaving the past where it belongs." This can lead to the question of whether we should refrain from discussing our past painful experiences altogether. I believe it's important to approach this matter with nuance.
Living in the present moment involves cultivating mindfulness and focusing on the here and now. It means fully immersing ourselves in the present experience, observing our sensations, emotions, thoughts, and impulses without judgment, and embracing the richness of the present moment. By doing so, we can enhance our sense of presence, increase self-awareness, and develop a deeper connection with ourselves and the world around us.
While living in the present moment can be beneficial for our overall well-being, completely ignoring or suppressing our past experiences may not be the most helpful approach. Acknowledging and addressing our past painful experiences can contribute to our healing and personal growth, as long as it is done in a safe and supportive environment. It provides an opportunity to process our emotions, gain insights, update limiting beliefs, have a deeper understanding of ourselves, and become more resilient.
However, it's essential to be mindful of how these conversations take place because revisiting past trauma without actively working towards healing and growth may perpetuate a cycle of pain. It's important to choose trusted individuals who can create a safe space and provide empathetic and supportive listening.
To ensure that healing takes place rather than re-traumatisation, it's crucial that the person who shares their past experiences has the opportunity and ability to go through certain subjective experiences that activate a neural change mechanism called "memory reconsolidation". These subjective experiences include:
- Accessing and processing blocked emotions related to the trauma,
- Completing healthy responses that were blocked at the time of the trauma,
- Eliciting a more nurturing response from the other person involved in the trauma,
- Updating limiting beliefs or learnings about how to interpret and react to the stressful situation.
Trauma is healed when all essential needs that were not met at the time of the trauma, such as safety, validation, acceptance, and love, are met. Then the past experience is no longer stored as a trauma linked to the emotional brain, and it no longer leads to limiting beliefs and behavioral patterns. Instead, the past experience becomes part of the person's autobiographical narrative, and the healing process unlocks valuable insights and qualities that the person can use on their path to fulfilment and well-being.
Sharing a past painful experience in a healing way does not need to be limited to an official therapy or coaching session with a skilled facilitator. It suffices that the empathic listener knows how to listen and guide the person in a way that facilitates the subjective experiences described above without re-traumatising them.
I recently had a conversation with my young adult daughter about a difficult experience she had with me as a child. In the past, I might have defensively explained why I did what I did and dismissed her perspective. However, having developed the ENBA theory and Transformational Keys facilitation model, I now cherish the healing potential of such moments. These healing conversations typically include following elements:
- I make sure to give my daughter my full attention and refrain from explaining or defending myself.
- I listen to her sharing her past painful experience.
- I summarise and reflect back to check for understanding.
- I empathise with her pain and unmet needs she experienced during that stressful moment.
- I sincerely apologise for not being there for her in the way she deserved.
- I create space for all emotions to be processed.
- I ask her how she would handle the situation today (now that she has many more resources) and give her the opportunity to complete any blocked healthy impulses while offering a more nurturing response.
- I encourage her to reflect on any limiting beliefs or reactions she may want to update.
Conversations like these usually end with a sense of relief, a smile, and a big hug for both parties involved.
The problem arises when people share their past trauma without being guided to go through these subjective experiences. Then they may inadvertently reinforce old limiting beliefs and patterns that were created during the trauma.
In summary, both living in the present moment and addressing past trauma have their place in our personal growth and well-being. By nurturing mindfulness and being present, we cultivate self-awareness and a deeper connection with ourselves and the world. Simultaneously, by addressing our past traumas, we honour our experiences and contribute to our individual and collective healing journey. Both practices can harmoniously coexist, empowering us to embrace the present while acknowledging and healing the past. Finding a balance is key. You just have to ensure that the sharing is done in a supportive and guided way that promotes healing rather than reinforcing negative patterns.
If you're interested in learning more about the neural mechanism of change required to change limiting beliefs and patterns at their root cause, I invite you to watch my FREE TK Taster Class.
You're also welcome to witness a demo on how to explore the emotional truth of an unwanted pattern in my upcoming TK Taster Webinar
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